An impossible dream for an impossible country — chapter ten: Diyar arrives in Diyarbakir

As soon as the bus started moving again to continue its journey until Ankara, a feeling of loneliness invaded Diyar. Not only for it was still dark, but also because he felt guilty for leaving his friend alone, in a mission that it was from them both. He moved slowly towards the entrance of Diyarbakir, a city he knew all too well since he had studied there for 5 years.

After an hour of walk, Diyar reached the city center. He looked around and felt well again, feeling at home as he could recognize the surroundings. He spent some time contemplating the familiar streets and neighborhoods he used to walk on by with his friends. He could not really believe he was there again, in a city he thought he would never return to. Diyar had the sensation of those who went on a long journey around the world and just now were returning home.

But he could not spend so much time on this, he was there to see someone he thought he would never see again. The girl he had left behind crying, the girl whose heart he broke when going away. Now, he was somehow risking himself to see her, perhaps to amend the mistake he thought he had committed.

Diyar walked and looked for the address that was written on the envelope. When he looked around again, he could not believe his eyes. Before him there was the stall he once had bombed. He remembered all too well about that; he had dreamed several times about the stall and the bomb he detonated there, and every time it was a very bad dream. He also remembered that after putting the bomb and detonating it, he had stayed there to watch. It had been after he had graduated from the university, but back then he still felt like a teen, looking for a revenge against the “Turkish nationalists”. He had been caught because he was looking as the flames burned the newspapers. He was taken to the police station, and there he told them everything. Somehow he had betrayed his hevals, who were caught after he had denounced them, in order to save his own life.

Diyar looked at the stall and at the building of yellow facade where he had hidden himself while watching the papers burning. This memory almost burned his heart while he was looking around him. If he could change the past now, he certainly would. His life could have been much better, perhaps he would not have left Nilgün behind sobbing at that snack bar; perhaps they could be together, married and with kids, perhaps he could have a normal job like anyone else.

All these possibilities were crossing Diyar’s mind as he stopped by in that place. But he needed to move on, now he could have a chance to mend everything and start everything anew. Even if he didn’t know how this would be, since now he had a bigger mission to accomplish, he wanted Nilgün in his life. He felt that what made him to continue was the love he felt for that woman.

Diyar felt well again after he looked at Nilgün’s address. He continue his walk until her building that was on the outskirts of Diyarbakir. It was in a poor neighborhood that Diyar had been only once or twice before. He needed to ask some people about the exact localization. The streets were full of people boarding on buses or walking on the streets as it was almost seven in the morning. Diyar thought that maybe also Nilgün had left for work and he started to walk faster.

Then, he reached the building with green bars around which they had indicated him. As Diyar stopped, he was sweating and his heart was beating strongly. Through the bars, he could perceive a young woman carrying a toddler. She was moving towards the small gate. He observed everything attentively, trying to see if the woman was Nilgün. When she reached the gate, Diyar was only a few steps away from her.

He could see the woman better now that she was on the sidewalk. The body didn’t looked like Nilgün’s, but as soon as he saw her face, he was sure the person was her. Diyar could not forget her eyes, her bright eyes, he once saw crying and that he used to see laughing. Even if he had lost his memory he would still remember Nilgün’s gaze. And though he could see that her eyes were tired, they had still that bright he used to perceive in her face.

Diyar wanted to approach, but his vision left him without words. He didn’t want to scare her or the boy she was caring. The toddler had a playful face in her mother’s arms. Diyar was satisfied simply by the sight of them. He smiled on the scene of mother and son playing a particular game he could not understand.

Diyar decided to wait until they were back later. He didn’t want her to lose a day of work because of his own caprices. After all, he had time and could well wait despite how much he had been missing her.